mistergpicklez's blog

QP#51 - Get it while it's hot

I must embed this video.  I have to warn you, there is some NSFW language.

 

My Balls!

I don't think this will be on here for long.  Why?  No teenage boy will want a video of himself engaging in a) epic skateboard fail b) epic groin self-injury c) cussing d) crying like a little girl and e) a slow motion recap of the aforementioned items floating around on the interwebs.

Upon reviewing the film, I don't think the kid was as hurt as he said.  First, the board did break because it made contact with his body and the ground at the same time.  It does appear that the injury occurs near his scrotal region; however, one does not simply stand up and walk around after such an grevious blow to the testicles.  I have been hit VERY hard in the groin as seen in previous posts and even with the worst injury I only staggered about incoherently and wasn't able move.  I think that he did suffer a contusion to his inner thigh but I think he said the balls so that he wouldn't look like such a wuss.

Regardless of his injury(ies) this video makes me guffaw.  Why?  His immediate reaction:  "Ooooooooh!  Owwwwww!" is funny.  Also, no one reacts until he says, he's bleeding from his balls.  Then one of his colleagues says incredulously, "You're bleeding...from your balls."  The last person who speaks tells him not to run around.  Comedy gold! 

 

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#354 - The Sleep Lab

All in all it was a pretty interesting experience.  I sparred in class and left early to take a quick shower and make my way over to the lab.

When I got there I finished filling out some paperwork and changed into my nice new basketball shorts - comfy!  There was only one technician and there was some other guy who was also getting tested so the tech split his time between the two of us.  The room was really nice.  It was reminiscent of a hotel room.  There were some fancy sheets and comforters and then a crapload of electronic equipment next to the bed.  There was a flat screen tv with digital cable and a few lamps.

I sat and watched TV while the tech was getting the other guy set up in his room.  It was on Survivor so I changed it to Parks and Recreation.  By the end of that show the tech came back and started putting electrodes on me.  He started with one on each leg then one on each side of my chest.  He then put some elastic straps around my chest and proceeded to put two electrodes on my face and 8 more on my head.  He used some kind of cold gel in my hair.  It was some sort of alcohol substance so that the electrodes would stick to my head.  Come to think of it, he put it on all the electrodes.

He taped a microphone to my throat to record my snoring and then he taped a nose sensor across my face to measure my oxygen intake.  Lastly, he put another oxygen sensor on my left ring finger.  He told me that I was doing a split test which meant that I was going to need to sleep for three hours (at least 2 on my back) and then he would come in and put the C-Pap machine on me and I would sleep for another 2 hours.

The First Session

I had a harder time falling asleep than usual.  I'm guessing because I was all plugged in and what not.  I finally fell asleep and I'll have to say it was fitful at best.  I think I did finally get some good rest because before I knew it, the tech had turned the lights on in the room and was asking me to help take the nose sensors off.  He fitted me for a CPap mask and strapped it on my head. 

The Second Session

Just as I felt I was dozing off.  The tech came back in and said I needed a different mask because the one I had on was leaking or not getting a good seal.  He swapped it out and I was soon back asleep.

For a while I was very conscious of the mask.  The equipment itself made some noise and I could feel cold air inside the mask.  If I were to snore the mask would get really tight around my face.  I really thought that it would be a more intrusive process.  I thought that the mask would force air into my nose and mouth, but it didn't.  Well, maybe it did, but not to the level I thought it would.

Dreams

I seem to remember some snipits of dreams.  I think I recall being asked to run on the cross country track team and I refused, but they made me run anyway.  That's the most vivid dream memory I had.

Conclusion

The tech came back in at 5:15AM to tell me the test was complete.  He started the process of removing the electrodes from my body.  The most painful part was there were two electodes on each side of my head that he had used tape to secure.  Of course that pulled the hair out so it stung a little bit.  My left hand was sore and stiff.  I thought it was from sparring, but it feels fine now so I guess it's from being open all night because of the sensor.

I don't know if the CPap machine helped or not.  I actually feel much more rested and energetic than I normally do.  I figured out that the CPap machine is cheaper than the surgery, but the surgery is more permanent.  I don't really care which one they do.  If they do the surgery, I'm more nervous about getting punched or kicked in the face.

 

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#353 - Feeling kind of bloggy

I don't know what it is with my desire to post lately...

My Lawn is a Battlefield

Mowed the lawn yesterday.  My hand-me-down lawnmower isn't doing too well.  Also, my lawn has become a minefield.  Both my next door neighbors have dogs and apparently, their owners allow the dogs to take giant man-sized craps in my lawn.

I know I should probably say something to them, but I don't have actual proof that it is their dogs.  There are a few dogs and cats that run loose and it could easily be one of those.  It's not so much the smell of crap that is irritating me.  It's the idea that I could slip in it and go tumbling down the hill.

Sleep Lab

I have the sleep lab tonight and I just finished all their crazy questionnaires.  I love how these things ask you the same question but in slightly different ways.  For example:  "I get sleepy during the day," might be one question while another question states, "I think I would benefit from a short nap every day."  I know that they are slightly different, but I would have to answer "Yes" to both questions.  Does that make me narcoleptic?  Probably.

So the guidelines say I need loose fitting shorts and a t-shirt.  Pfft!  I don't have any loose fitting shorts.  I'll have to buy some tonight.  Maybe they'll let me go in boxers and a t-shirt.  Probably not.  I'm sure the last thing they want to see is "Little Picklez" swinging around like George of the Jungle.  I typically like to go shirtless, too.

My biggest fear tonight is that I get there and can't sleep.  I'm glad I'm sparring in class this evening.  It will tucker me out.  The doctor already said that I have a deviated septum so I guess this is just to measure the magnitude of my sleep apnea/narcolepsy.

If it turns out that I am indeed a narcoleptic, I think that I should become one of those pain in the ass advocates.  The first thing I'll do is protest the portrayal of narcoleptics in Duece Bigalow:  Male Gigilo.  Mainly, because I hate it when Rob Schnieder is in lead roles.  (The one exception being The Benchwarmers.)  I wonder why they haven't greenlit my "Copy Guy" screenplay...

Brush with Terrorism

Not me.  My uchi deshi.  Apparently, he was in NYC for a chorus trip last week and he actually passed the car that had the bomb in it.  They were going to see "Mary Poppins" and get dinner or something.  He said his entire group passed right by the car.  When they came out, he said that there were cops everywhere.

On a side note, I'm wearing my old 9-11, NYPD hat.  You know, the one Tony Dungee wore.  Not him personally, but a facsimilie thereof.  The local cops were doing a license check on one of the roads and they looked at my license and then asked me how long I had worked for the NYPD.  I guess I look like a cop to them.  I told them that this was just an old hat and they said, "So you pulled it out to support the guys up there?"  I just nodded "Yes" and they waved me through. 

I actually had no idea until last night (I verified it this morning) that there had been a terror attempt.  That shows just how out of touch I am right now.  I'm sort of embroiled in personal matters at the moment.

Phone call with Master C

I called Master C to talk about the upcoming event schedule.  It turns out that I'm not required to go to the May 15th black belt presentation/workout.  The Admiral was supposed to be presented, but they are going to give it to her at Summer Camp instead.  I wasn't too keen on going to the workout.  I figure an entire Saturday lost + gas fees and other expenses isn't really in the cards for me right now.

The Comedy Show

I forgot to mention that it was M's first communion last weekend.  We all met up at the Red Lobster that Saturday.  I successfully negotiated my way out of having to attend Mass.  K was on a roll that night at dinner.  I sat down and she immediately began to rip me apart.

First, she told me that she didn't want to kiss me or touch me because of "Boy Cooties".  No amount of telling her that I had been innoculated nor was telling her that I couldn't have "Boy" cooties because I was most definitely a "Man" having any effect.  She then proceeded to punch me in the arm.  I told her that she couldn't hurt these guns.  I then said, "You know they closed down Stone Mountain."

She responded by saying, "Yeah, yeah... They found a bigger rock... Now show your muscle."  She then informed me that I had already told her that joke.

When the food arrived she asked me if I was going to eat all my food.  When I replied in the affirmative, she told me that I was getting kind of fat.  She also pointed out that I had a bunch of white hairs and that I was getting old.  My brother stepped in and said that I was not fat and that I should be a little nicer.  K said, "OK.  Sorry.  I was kidding about you being fat, but you are still OLD."

Man.  She is a straight shooter with upper management potential.

 

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#352 - Yes, I'm gonna go there

Poop.  Yeah, I said it. 

Anyway, I'm not one to complain about such things, but I went down to use the restroom today and someone literally stunk up the joint.  To make things worse, they left a large piece of themselves.  Ugh.

So I'd like to write a short lighthearted piece on a funny, yet disgusting subject.

My favorite euphemisms

That's right.  Here are my favorite ways of saying I need to expel my body of solid waste through my rectum.

1.  Make like a dealer and drop a deuce.

2.  Make like a wrestler and take a slam.

3.  Drop the kids off at the pool.

4.  Take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

5.  Drown some babies in the Yellow River.

6.  Push some demons out of my backside.

7.  Execute Operation: Brown Thunder.

8.  Make an offering to Sterhilius.

9.  Send some kids on the log flume.

10.Lose 2 pounds the easy way.

Other favorite sayings

These are other things related to pooping.

"Coming in hot" - That's when you get to your destination and go straight from the car to the bathroom.

"I think I lost a sock." - Funny story.  BabySteps excused himself to poop.  He comes back about 40 minutes later.  He sits down in his chair and he's breathing kind of hard and sweating.  I ask him, "Where have you been and why the hell are you sweating.  He says, "I told you I had to take a slam!"  I responded by saying, "For over half an hour?  You look like you just worked out."  He replied, "You don't understand.  I crapped so hard, I think I lost a sock!"  The funniest thing was that he was indeed missing a sock.

"Cleveland Steamer" - Another word for a large poop.

"Kansas City/Motor City Floater" a.k.a. "Maui Marauder" - This is when someone doesn't flush or is in need of a double flusher.

"Overfart" - When you think you're going to expel gas, but you get a little bonus.

"Prairie dogging/Turtlehead" - Can be the result of an "overfart".  This is also known as "crowning" or "Coronating the King of Assylvania"

 

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